Hey Cacao Lovers,
This is a bit of a long post but I was just thinking about two recent incidents where I have witnessed someone close to me expressing love in a way that is not in alignment with their intention, rather it is creating separation.
Ask yourself, When I am expressing love to those I care most about, is it an accurate reflection of my intention? In other words, if your intention is one of unconditional love, nurturing, loving-kindness and support, is this strongly reflected in your actions?
The reason I ask this is because the situation and dynamic I have witnessed is one that represents mis-alignment between ones intention and expression of love. So the example I am referring to in my own life is between my Grandma and my Mum. My mum and her partner have been growing, expanding and building their homewares business exponentially the last year and as any small business owner who is connected to a powerful vision and deep WHY knows that this can mean working long hours and often going to extremes for a period of time for the long term reward and fulfilment!
During this time and especially recently my Grandma has been making some dinners for my Mum, but rather then an act of selfless giving, it is exchanged by criticising my mum, "You are working too hard', commenting on her appearance, 'You are too skinny', and attacking her through a communication style that is unconsciously (for my Grandma) shaming her being and projecting her values onto my Mum. The important thing for ALL of us to remember is that we are sovereign beings, on our own journeys, and nobody has the right to project their values onto us, to interrupt our journey or shame us for our being.
Now, if this scenario has played out in your own life, If you were to ask that person, 'How do you express love to those who are most important to you?', I highly doubt their response would be 'Oh, I shame them, guilt trip them, try to change them, project my values onto them and criticise them', because that likely not their intention, yet why are they doing just that? They would probably respond with 'I want the best for them, for them to be happy, healthy, feel supported, loved unconditionally, accepted with lovingkindness' etc.
Okay, well that is great if that is your intention, but how does your love language and expression manifest in your expression? Is there a gap of mis-alignment between your intention and action? Its paradoxical to say the least that when are loved ones need our support the most, our love, patience and acceptance, we can choose to criticise and attack them. So, instead, be mindful of your intention, get clear on your intention, and ask yourself, 'If my intention is to offer support, unconditional love, acceptance and compassion, How best can I express this love to that person?'.
What I have found most effective is taking some time to connect with that individual, go into heart space and genuinely express the support you are offering. It might even be appropriate to talk in 'parts' language and say, 'Look, a part of me can see you pushing yourself and that part of me feels uncomfortable... But what I recognise is that another, deeper part of me wants you to know that I am here to support you, I am here for you no matter what and I really admire what you are creating, I love you'. This is an expression of unconditional love, is this wanting of my happiness equal to my wanting of my loved ones happiness, and allowing them to have whatever experience they are having with non-judgement.
Which expression do you think would be more in alignment with the intention of loving kindness?
So alignment is key... If you intention is to express unconditional love, support, acceptance, and kindness but you outwardly attack, criticise, project and shame that individual - this is clearly mis-alignment. This might sound drastic but if we are truly mindful and honest with ourselves, a situation like this and this mis-alignment has probably played out in subtle or obvious ways, especially with those closest to us.
Last example, as a receiver, it is often those small acts of selfless giving that touch our hearts and bring us closer to our loved ones. If I am working hard, tired and exhausted and a loved one makes me a home cooked healthy dinner and says 'Are you happy now? I made this for you, stop working so hard'... I would probably not feel too happy because I feel guilty receiving. But if they said, 'Hey I am here to support you and I really wanted to make you this meal :)', I would say 'Thankyou, that is so thoughtful'.
It comes down to energy exchange :)
Much love xxxxx
As children, we are often told "Don't do this... Don't drop your food on the table....Don't go over there.... You can't do this or that". However, as you have probably witnessed with your own attempts at behavioural change, it is often when we tell ourselves that we cannot do something or don't have too much of something that we end up doing exactly the thing we told ourselves not to. Then what happens? We punish ourselves, just like we were punished as children.
The reason is, when we are told 'don't eat another bliss ball' a lot of the time we only register and direct our focus to the content of 'eat another bliss ball'. I can think of two examples of this... The other day one of the Woman I work with walked up to a customer and said 'Let me take those items from you, I don't want you to drop them', so she took them off the customer and what happened? She dropped them straight away! In my own experience, I know if I have made a big batch of raw vegan deliciousness (bliss balls, slices e.t.c.) and placed them in the fridge, when I go into the kitchen I have said to myself, 'Don't have another bliss ball' or 'You can't have another one'... and what happens? I walk straight to the fridge, have one and then stand there complexed as to 'What just happened?' haha.
Not only are we doing what we tell ourselves not to, we then punish ourselves and use further disempowering language, 'I am bad', 'What did I do that for', 'I am stupid', 'I am unworthy'... just like some of us experienced when we were children. Studies have shown that punishment is actually a very ineffective form of behavioural change and actually reinforces negative cyclic patterns, the more we use disempowering/restrictive language such as 'don't, can't, and the more we punish ourselves, 'I am bad, I am unworthy', the more we are reinforcing a pattern that will present itself again and again.
We are far better off empowering ourselves, celebrating our wins, practicing self-compassion, inclusion over exclusion and reinforcing behaviours that empower us and elevate us to be the best versions of ourselves. In my experience, and struggle with disordered eating, in order to distance myself from that little negative voice that enters my mind, instead of saying 'Don't listen to that voice, don't do this, you can't do that'... I know say 'Do listen to your eating disorder and then Do the opposite!'.
This also applies in the language of manifestation, instead of saying what you don't want, say and visualise and deeply feel what it is that you DO want and place your intention and attention on exactly that!
Much love xx
'It is never far away, yet almost too close to know
the feeling you must surrender to in order to grow.
As I lean into the discomfort of the exquisite risk I have taken,
but not yet spoken, I feel a sense of contraction....
mutual curiosity with another soul has brought me a sense of clarity,
an opening & expansion that originates from the aliveness, freedom and true essence within...
The mask of those who project their lies are no match for that feeling when you look in side and
realise with real eyes all that you are and bathe in the wholeness of your being.'